Things I knew in the moment as I held the dying man's head in my arms upon the sidewalk after he was hit by a car, quickly
disappeared, after shock set into my system. In the moment, I knew I'd done everything so well. I knew so many truths in those moments as he faded from the world. Those truths, afterwards, were soon lost. Remorse, regret, fear, anxiety, depression, PTSD took over. It enveloped me every time I saw an ambulance, or the police lines, anywhere near the road he had been hit, and where his body was. I did several types of therapy over the years, directly with the ambulance company and with a counselor and my psych (things spiraled quickly, I started to not want to leave the house out of fear).
Skip forward a few years. I'd moved away from the scene, which had happened right outside my front door. I had regained heaps of my life again by doing that. I thought I had dealt well with my PTSD about that day. Little glimmers of PTSD would still spark when I went to that house to do rent inspections. The final straw was when I saw an ambulance in the same spot, again, with a man who had overdosed in almost the same spot. I spun out of control. My stable world I had worked so hard to create was rocked hard. Nightmares, fear, torment, racing heart, unspeakable thoughts; it was torture. Then I made a decision: Ask For Help! Deal with this PTSD once & for All! Irene heard my call. She gently walked me through an amazing experience where I was in control of the movie in my mind.
Finally, I got back to the place I was at in that moment when he was dying. I knew I did my best. I knew I was there for a reason. I knew I was doing the right thing. I knew it was my privilege to be there as he took his last breath. In our session, I was the director of the movie. I replayed it, bringing honor to myself and the older gentleman who passed that day. Irene heard me. She Heard the story of his passing. She witnessed my compassion for this man and humanity. I did this session week's ago. I feel so pleased with myself to have asked for help firstly. Secondly, humbled by Irene and her beautiful choice of wording to guide me through a very traumatic experience, and receive great learnings and growth. I thought I had dealt with previously as best I could. I thought occasional nightmares would be my future. I thought when I saw the site again; it was normal to be lost in tears. I know now I can deal with so much more! I know I am so very strong! I know I am a capable woman who is filled to the brim with compassion.
Thank you, Irene!!